“It’s getting hot on Earth/So take of all your clothes,” to borrow from the early ’00s song by Nelly./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, vladischern.
Hello, Alt-design buffs!
My name is Marla Stewman, and I’m the new Interiors columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). Each week I’ll be guiding you in making design choices for your home that manifest, support, and generally legitimize our collective Alt-project as members of the right wing of the political spectrum. I know this can be hard, because determining elements of home decor that lend themselves to such an endeavor can be a challenge. But that’s why you have an expert like me to help you, This week we’ll explore how to confirm that climate change isn’t real, or is real but isn’t caused by human actions, or is real and caused by human actions but isn’t a bad thing. Fun, right? In addition to being enjoyable, these decor ideas will let poor, unethical, stupid EPA Director Scott Pruitt know that we have his science-denying back as he kills the Earth, one anti-climate-change decision at a time.
Related: The new Alt-food pyramid to base your politically-conservative diet on.
Hot In Here? I Don’t Know What You Mean!
Like a good Alt-smartie, Scott Pruitt has the right approach to this climate change junk science the left wants us to believe: deny it, prevaricate when confronted with facts about it, minimize its impact and negative consequences, and flip the script on its causes and effects. And better yet, he does all this to help his pals in the fossil fuel industry, as this article on Rolling Stone reminds us.
There’s a simple yet dramatic way we right-wingers can bring home the point that climate change is just a lot of left-wing hooey: get rid of the ability to cool our homes. That’s right, dismantle and throw out your air conditioner, no matter how hot it is in the section of the country you live in. That way, when you’re skin is frying even though it’s December, causing you to sweat profusely, you can just lie wearily on your couch with your eyes half-closed and say, weakly, “Climate change isn’t real…I feel great…I could use a sweater to warm up.”
Also, when guests in your home ask you if you could make a little cooler, so that they don’t feel like they’re visiting a friend in Hades, you can say, “Sorry, no. I can’t. You’re imagining it, because the Earth isn’t warming because of CO2 emissions. Scott Pruitt told me so, and he wouldn’t lie to me.”
If you can make your design-with-a-purpose choices stimulate your senses or those of visitors to your abode, it’ll make your purpose that much more apparent, clear-cut, and unassailable.
Throwing Shade
In some gay, African-American communities in 1980s New York City, “throwing shade” was a term used to mean insulting someone. In the Alt-right community of 2018, it’s now going to mean getting rid of all the window dressings around your home. Take down your drapes, curtains, blinds, or whatever other sunlight-lessening implements you’ve installed in your domicile. Throw them in the trash, or better yet, burn them in the front yard and record it to be posted on YouTube-contributes to global warming.
Now the sun will bake your home like a tray of brownie mix. People will notice those naked windows, and trust me, they’ll ask about them. You can launch into a preachy, tiresome diatribe about how you and Scott Pruitt don’t just deny climate change, you deny the entire concept of “warmth” in general. What is this “heat” people speak of? You know not! No, you’re always cold, as is the world, and so is everyone in it. There is no such thing as feeling toasty, tropical, or torrid. It’s all a myth! Just ask Scott Pruitt.
And: See what our advice columnist told a very special letter-writer.
Not a Drop to Drink
The old saying goes, “Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.” But as global warming advances, droughts become more frequent and intense, desertification of non-desert terrains occurs, and even bodies of water dry up. But since Scott Pruitt has assured us on the right that climate change isn’t a thing, we pay these sultry realities no mind! One way to underscore our right-wing, blithe indifference to climate realities is to have at least one tap or hose running at all times in your home. In addition to providing the pleasing acoustic of a babbling brook, it’ll provide a wonderful conversation piece for both residents of and visitors to your home. When someone notices it’s odd that you constantly waste water, asks if there’s a water source that needs to be turned off somewhere, or even offers to find and stanch the constant flow of this vital element in your living space, you can hold up a hand to halt them.
“Not so fast, bub,” you can say. “What are you–liberal or something? I’m a member of the right wing of the political spectrum, and one of my kakistocrat leaders told me that climate change isn’t real. So it isn’t. End of story. Now kindly park your keister back where it was a minute ago.”
I know that you, SYRW’s readers, a conservative and thus painfully mediocre, frustratingly average, and irritatingly unintelligent lot, will find fabulous ways of putting your personal mark on the climate-change-denying ideas I’ve offered above. I’d love to hear about them. Also, keep reading my column for more and more such ideas. Our right-wing brethren in President Donald Trump’s administration are getting hit from all sides, and they could all use a little supportive nudge, a friendly hand up from the pressure cooker they find themselves in, and a smile and a nod to tell them to pay no mind to the Liberal Loonies trying to make their lives difficult This is all especially true for Pruitt these days. He’s embroiled in all sorts of ethical scandals, as this Vox article outlines, which are clearly made up by his liberal opponents. He needs all the endorsement from his, fans, shall we say, like us.
Also: See the four gadgets Trump Admin members had custom-made!
So go forth, SYRW readers and Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) and make your homes sanctuaries of Pruitt-based delusion! We’ll reconvene next week when I apprise you of more ways to bring your home’s appearance in line with the malfunctioning brain cells that make you the conservative kook you are–that we all are!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
