Now, he can do his job so much better–except that he doesn’t have it at the moment/Image: CNN.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
Pretty much everyone with the ability to hear knows that His Orangeness, our tireless, brilliant, hunky leader, President Donald Trump, fired David Shulkin, the erstwhile Secretary of Veterans Affairs for the Trump Administration, “the only holdover from President Barack Obama’s administration,” as CNN by reporter Dan Mercia put it in an article laying out all the conflicting accounts, claims, and versions of the epic tale of why-on-why Shulkin left the Trump administration.
Mad Matters
Trump and his admin claim Shulkin resigned, while Shulkin maintains Trump fired him. Obviously, I, and all of us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) believe Trump, given that we’re Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) who smile and nod no matter what BS The Donald and his acolytes feed us. That’s why they–rightly–call us “Nut Jobs.” We know our tall, strapping, blond, blue-eyed, avuncular-of-body, white-cum-orange-skinned father figure wouldn’t lie to us. He promised to do right by the right, and we have no reason–except the many, many that are plain as day, as clear as a mole on our faces, and as obvious as Ivanka’s stupidity–to disbelieve him.
The exact circumstances of Shulkin’s departure matter, dear SYRW readers. If Trump fired him, anything his temporary replacement, Robert Wilkie does could be legally invalidated, as the CNN article linked above points out. This would be the case unless and until the Senate approves Trump’s pick for the position, his personal physician, Ronnie Jackson. If he resigned, Wilkie could do as he pleases and his actions would be un-challengeable.
Related: The new Alt-right food pyramid.
What I have to tell you is a game-changer, but only a select few know it at this point, so keep a lid on it, like the lid all of us on the right are keeping on the fact that we know Trump colluded with the Russians to swing the 2016 presidential election in his favor.
Career Counseling, Courtesy of Trump
President Trump did fire Shulkin, and for a very, very good, Alt-right reason, one of my oh-so-connected White House sources told me. He did it for Shulkin’s own good, which seems obvious given that he daily makes sacrifices for the greater good that we mere mortals can’t understand, because he’s the last Christian prophet.
“Trump’s view of Shulkin has soured in recent weeks and he was widely seen as the most vulnerable secretary in an already unstable Cabinet,” reported CNN’s Mercia.
But there’s much more to it. Trump fired Shulkiin so that Shulkin would know what it feels like to be a veteran, even if that only means a veteran of the Trump administration, said my source. He’s still “a veteran,” Liberal Loonies! And now he knows first-hand the struggles, needs, and requirements of the very people he was tasked with heading a federal agency for.
“After Shulkin suffers a little–really gets to inhabit the role of a veteran…..of something, at least, that being this administration, Trump will hire him back,” another one of my White House sources told me on condition of anonymity, given the sensitive nature of this story.
“When Trump offers Shulkin his job back, Shulkin will agree, because who wouldn’t jump at the chance to be a part of the most effectual, principled, morally upstanding, and ethically sound administration in our nation’s history?” said this second source.
Life of Cry
It’s no secret that veteran’s returning from war face a host of hardships that require targeted, proactive care in a variety of settings. Because Trump wants Shulkin to be a veteran to administer to veterans, he’s going to see to it, a third source tells me, that he live like one. An admin member will drain his checking account to a third of its current value, Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson will move him into government-assisted housing and put him on Trump’s brown-box replacement for food stamps, and he’ll be required to see a therapist daily to treat the post-combat PTSD he doesn’t have. After that, he’ll clearly be exponentially better at his job and rehired for it. You know, if all goes according to plan. And when doesn’t it in this administration so chaotic and haphazard it makes an 8.5 earthquake seem tame.
And: Right-wing dance crazes are sweeping the nation.
Concerns? Those Are for Liberals!
More to Come, No Doubt
Oh, what will this endlessly entertaining carnival main event administration, this collection of humans so near and dear to us Alt-right-ers that we’ve handed over to it our ability to employ logic and reason, our belief in the political protocol and norms of country we claim to be patriots of, and the real estate known as the interiors of our skulls–well, what will they think of next to make us high-five each other in public even as we retire to private quarters to huddle in corners and cry because we know we made a huge mistake in electing them to office? Whatever it is–a firing, a bullying tweet, a sexy lawsuit, a disgruntled former Admin member, a Russia-related revelation, you SYRW readers know one thing for sure, don’t you? Mama MacMillan will bring you the unvarnished, bald-faced, ecstatically Alt truth behind the headlines. The unmatched access my sources have to anyone and everything related to the Trump Administration coupled with my knack for getting people to sing like canaries, you be ever so in-the-know, always!
Let me take my leave then, so I can go dish with my White House sources for more grist for the gossip mill next week.
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
Also: Meal ideas that will help Trump weasel out of a Stormy-related deposition.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
