A young lass, like many who enjoy the fictional world from which H.R. McMaster came./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, ASP Inc.
The Fake News media is peddling a story that H.R. McMaster is set to be the next high-profile Trump Administration member to exist his post in the revolving door of personnel there. As an avid Alt-right watcher, I have a suggestion for the next chapter in his life.
McMaster should resume his duties as curator of the National Museum of Visual Arts in the fictional American city of Tarleytown, as portrayed in the wildly popular young adult fiction series by D.R. Huntingman
The books tell the story of Lucy and Nicholas Wendellbarry, a pre-teen brother and sister who sneak into an art museum at night to escape their parents’ vicious arguments. One night, they find they can physically enter the paintings and the imaginary worlds they convey. Things take a worrisome turn when they can’t return from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream. Their warring parents band together to liberate them and bring them home. McMaster is the quirky, curmudgeonly-but-loving curator of the museum who joins the Wendellbarrys in their quest to rescue their children.
Huntingman was set to publish the final installment in the Wendelbarry series when President Donald J. Trump noticed one of the tomes on his son, Barron’s bedside. He picked it up absently, opened it, and a golden light shone on his happily bewildered face, and a soft breeze pushed back his wispy blond locks. He noticed McMaster’s character in the first one-and-half pages, the longest he can pay attention to any alpha-numeric text. He immediately tapped McMaster to be his National Security advisor, given his severe, yet approachable Alpha male quality. The rest, as they say, was fantasy fiction history.
Sources tell Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) that McMaster is unhappy in the high-stakes, high-stress position he holds in the mile-a-minute chaos at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue these days. I say, why not return to the richly-drawn, finely-textured, but effortless to read, fantastical world of Huntingman novels, where problems arise, sure, but they’re solved in approximately 200 pages.
McMaster has privately, repeatedly expressed his longing to return to the quaint and quirky universe Huntingman portrays with such raconteur skill that the Wendelbarry series is the bestselling young adult (YA) fantasy books of all-time, after of course the genre’s gold standard The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.
“I really miss Mr. Fluffenburg,” McMaster told one of my sources, referring to the old, scrawny, affectionate–some say magical–cat who lives in his messy, cozy office in the museum, often flipping around the way cats do on McMaster’s desk while he pretend-works.
Why not go for it, Mr. McMaster! Even as eternal Alt-supporters of President Trump and his disaster of a presidency, we say you must go, follow your dreams. We only have one life to live. And even though you have eternal life, given that you aren’t real and come from a world where the space-time continuum is different than that of the “real world,” one thing will always be true in both universes. And that is, as the Millenials say, YOLO–You Only Live Once.
Wouldn’t you rather continue not aging or having any actual problems as the man who oversees pretend acquisitions and events at a make-believe art museum? Your life of smoking a pipe in your office while peering at papers through a monocle sounds so great! And that’s not even to mention the excitement of the life-affirming task of being the unofficial guardian of the Wendelbarry siblings as they explore the worlds portrayed in some of the most well-known and beloved artworks of the 20th-century Western tradition.
How are Lucy and Nicholas’ parents join together to bring them home, healing their marital woes in the process? The YA world–and the adults who enjoy that class of literature, too–need you.
“President Trump at this time has full confidence in Mr. McMaster. He thinks he is amazing, wonderful, perfect and the Lord Jesus’ gift to National Security Advising. Frankly, any insinuations otherwise are attempts by the Democrats to hinder his legislative agenda, whatever that agenda can be said to be. By all this I mean, tomorrow he’ll be out on his bald ass faster than a fungal infection sprouts up on Steve Bannon’s face. Next?” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in Friday’s daily press briefing at the White House.
At a news conference with the president of Uzbekistan, President Trump noted that he thought Mc. Master was perfect, infallible, and “blah blah blah.” He then wondered aloud when the gathering would wrap up so that he could watch a video collage of his appearances at the Miss Universe pageant. You should interpret that as a license go where your heart leads you! This is the Trump Era, and any word can have any meaning. So don’t feel like you’re shirking the responsibilities you signed up to fulfill when you took this job.
And: What Jared Kushner’s reading during this tumultuous time for him as White House adviser.
When I reached McMaster on his office phone, he answered it in a tone of voice that can best be described as a deflated balloon desperately in need of Prozac. I asked him what he missed most about life at the museum.
“In fictional universes, you pretty much get all the good stuff about life and none of the bad. Everything’s clean, neat, almost stylized as if it were drawn by an award-winning illustrator,” McMaster said with a sigh so heavy I could hear papers blowing off his desk. “There’s no Javanka drama, no anti-immigrant Neo-Nazi immigration-policy architects,
In fact, the more we talk about it, the more I feel an urgent need to return to the museum. Not that I’m going to hang up with you now and do that! That would crazy! Well, it was great talking to you. I better run,” he said impatiently.
I can only hope, Mr. McMaster, that you will go where they need you even more than in the Trump Admin–the National Museum of Visual Arts in Tarleytown! Keep in mind that there, there’s only one you, while here, there are a million hairless-headed, Army officers that can replace you. Use that to your advantage and high-tail it back to the most exciting YA world since Harry Potter’s London.
Also: Find out the best ways to make your home a sanctuary of Steven K. Bannon-brand nihilism.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
