Baby food–an example of food that goes down super-easy./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, pamela_d_mcadams.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists! Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Totally agree, don’t you, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? The current thinking on how people learn says that flexibility in cognition is highly desirable. Again, we don’t dispute, and who would we be to dispute it, anyway, even if we wanted to? We at SYRW believe strongly in deferring to experts in any given field, especially in the Internet era, when we’re all inundated with information posted by questionable sources with nothing more than the ability to put up a website, and expertise is considered suspect.
On the other hand, in President Donald Trump’s case, as much as we just think he’s so fabulous, we think he has recently been expressing inconsistent policy goals. We think it may speak not to his willingness to engage in political compromise, but his lack of coherent moral, ethical, political, or policy philosophies beyond Make America Great Again.” Ok–how? He never proposed specific, methodical plans to get that vague goal accomplished. It doesn’t seem to bother his supporters, among whom SYRW is, of course, included.
In honor of Trump’s inability to convey any systematic, coherent–consistent–thinking about goals for his presidency, we’re going to talk about food consistency in today’s column. A little wacky, even for SYRW, we know.
A Sip, a Swallow, a Bite
Physicians have a relatively detailed nomenclature relating to food consistency level, and the good folks at Myrtue Medical shared it on their website.
That website says:: “Altering the consistency of foods can greatly relieve eating problems related to chewing, managing food in the mouth, and swallowing.” Ah ha! So, maybe when Trump simply can’t swallow a certain legislative proposal, he alters his consistency on it! Okay, okay, we’re starting to get it, we’re starting to get it.
Doctors call problems with chewing or swallowing “Dysphagia.” They categorize eating for dysphagic conditions in a four-fold classification structure, called the National Dysphagia Diet, which we excerpt from Myrtue Medical below again, and relate it to Trump’s issues with consistency.
Mensa Melania
And, speaking of issues of inconsistency, none other than First Lady Melania Trump applied for and got an EB-1 “Einstein visa..” That makes perfect sense! On Opposite Day, maybe! Read this discussion on The Hill of her procuring a visa for people with “extraordinary ability.”
- This one had to go down pretty easy for His Orangeness, as it got Trump his latest hot, taciturn wife, so we give it a “Level 1: Dysphagia Pureed Diet,” which ” includes foods that are pureed, homogenous and cohesive. Foods are ‘pudding like.'”
Guess Who’s Coming to Immigrate?
An area that we have to reluctantly hand it to President Trump for his consistency is his antipathy toward immigrants and immigration. As right-wingers, we, too, have a misguided, racist belief that brown-skinned immigrants are “stealing our jobs,” when actually the Late Capitalist system is changing the work world. Also, technology is more the job-stealer we’re looking to blame, so it would be to our benefit to learn these new tech job ways. But we need education and training for that, and that costs money. In the Socialist nightmare scenario that people like NRA president Wayne LaPierre inveigh against, education for everyone is subsidized. Modern socialistic economies, like many in Europe, value their citizens and the overall robustness of their populations, and so they provide for their educations. They don’t screech and scream about the mythical idea of everyone simply bootstrapping their ways to success.
As early as last year Trump expressed views on immigration inconsistent with his hard-line, “Build the Wall” campaign bluster according to this article by Reuters.
SYRW likens this to a  “Level 2: Dysphagia Mechanically Altered” diet, which “includes foods that are moist, soft-textured and easily formed into a bolus (ball of food to be swallowed together).” It’s not the easiest for Trump to swallow the idea of non-native born residents, given his longstanding enmity toward immigrants and foreigners in our midst. Who can forget, after all, his demand that President Barack Obama make public his birth certificate?
And: Get some products to help tell our kids we value guns more than them.
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He’s Not Gunning for Guns
Trump shocked pretty much everyone when he expressed strong support for gun control and reform Wednesday, especially the far right and the Republican party, as reported by Vanity Fair. He actually said the words, “I like taking guns away early.” Whatever that means, you can be sure Republican hearts everywhere, like ours, stopped beating for a few minutes. Luckily, as right-wingers, our hearts are dying, dying, soon-to-be-dead anyway.
- For Trump and even members of the GOP, our guess is that this was akin to the third step in the National Dysphagia Diet, “Level 3: Dysphagia Advanced Diet, ” which, “includes food that is nearly regular textures with the exception of very hard, sticky or crunchy foods.” It doesn’t go down easy for us, those who think everyone should openly carry guns around all the time, like in the shower, while sleeping, and while sitting at their desks at work.
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I, Me, Mine
Trump has always had highly consistent views on one topic: how great he is, as this HuffPo video reminds us. It’s pretty stomach-churning, so be advised, readers.
This would fall under the National Dysphagia Diet category of thin consistency, things that go down easy, as Trump’s self-congratulatory comments seem to for himself.
- “Liquid Consistency Levels can be classified as Thin (regular), Nectar thick, Honey thick or spoon thick (pudding).”
Also: See what our very own Dr. Kaylee said about helping to sink the Mueller Probe.
I’m the Best at Consistency
As you can see, Trump isn’t exactly BFF with the concept of ideological consistency, probably because he has no ideology. His main concern is getting attention, further bloating his ego, and giving himself the compliments and accolades he, clearly, feels he deserves, given his superlative-laced speech when it comes to talking about his favorite topic: The Donald. As such, we’ll go ahead and say the best diet for him would fall into the National Dysphagia Diet category of Liquid Consistency.
Until we meet again next week, SYRW readers: Bon Appeti, Cheers, and Salut!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
