Don’t ya’ just wanna reach out and give it a hug, The Nunes?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, aedkafl.
Even as species of life on Earth die at an alarming rate, because of global warming, which is caused by actions taken by humans, just to be clear, there are some bright spots in the story of global flora and fauna. Scientists found a new species of leech, everyone’s favorite vampiric insect: The Nunes! They’ve named it after Mr. Congressional Bloodsucking Leech himself, Representative Devin Nunes (R. Ca.), who wrote a completely bogus memo–just released by the House Intelligence Committee he oversees–to try to discredit the Mueller investigation into plain-as-day collusion between Donald Trump’s campaign and the Russian government to get Don Jon elected.
The Exciting Find
Researchers named the new species of leech Hirudo Devinnunesalis, or The Nunes, because they posited it exists for the same reason fellow parasite Rep. Nunes does–simply for the consumption of that which others’ rely on to exist, blood, in the case of Rep. Devin Nunes the institutions and practices that are part of the lifeblood of democracy.
“A parasite is an organism that lives on or in a host and gets its food from or at the expense of its host,” according to the Centers for Disease Control–an organization suffering through bizarre new regulations under Trump’s orange-fisted rule, incidentally.
Related: Join us on a trip through the rocky seas of Internet dis/misinformation.
The Nunes feeds off the blood of the American citizenry, providing them with zero benefits. It obtains nutrients it needs to survive from its depredation of democratic governmental norms in concert with President Donald Trump’s crusade to discredit Robert Mueller’s investigation of Trump’s collusion with The Kremlin to interfere in the 2016 presidential election.
The Nunes has no regard for who harms in its quest to live. It simply seeks out sources of blood and begins sucking.
“The attitude of The Nunes is: ‘I need to do this, so whoever is harmed by my consumption of its vital fluid, and the subsequent weakening of damage to its body, so be it,” said Gowdee.
The new leech was named The Nunes, the because Rep. Devin Nunes seems unconcerned with the damage he did to vital norms and protocol concerning the American intelligence community’s practices and standing on the international stage–oh, well! At least he got what I wanted,'” Gowdee said Gowdee said of both the actual leech and Nunes.
Soon after the memo’s release former FBI Director James Comey tweeted the following:
That’s it? Dishonest and misleading memo wrecked the House intel committee, destroyed trust with Intelligence Community, damaged relationship with FISA court, and inexcusably exposed classified investigation of an American citizen. For what? DOJ & FBI must keep doing their jobs.
— James Comey (@Comey) February 2, 2018
The Nunes has one sucker, or blood gathering anatomical trait, at its head. It latches on to its host and sucks for dear life. Researchers who specialize in parasitic worms, like the leech, say the simple animalistic drive to live is The Nunes’ only raison-d’etre. Other invertebrate specialists hypothesize there must be some reason The Nunes is so far up President Donald Trump’s ass he’s making jealous the Acidophilus and Bifidus probiotics therein. As yet, such a reason is unknown.
What It Means
Well, not a whole lot, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. Much has been written about vampires, for example, who in Western cultural lore also rely on the consumption of blood to survive. But that’s an inherently fascinating topic with its tragic symbolism and mystery surrounding it.
And: We began the Fez for Nunes movement weeks ago–see what it’s all about!
The existence of The Nunes is about as compelling to the non-expert as it can get when we’re talking about the existence of a mouth connected to an anus by a long tube, which is what this new leech looks to be.
“What does this mean? Nothing, just like everything, now. Nothing means anything. But this is so interesting from a scientific standpoint!” said Dr. Tray Gowdee, who almost stepped on the first known Nunes as he took a walk near the White House Friday on his lunch break from his job at the National Institutes of Health. Gowdee then picked it up and examined it.
Before the advent of modern medicine, based on science as it is, leeches were used for bloodletting as a therapeutic practice to treat a variety of physical and psychological ailments. Leeches were placed on the bodies of the ill to “draw out” sickness. When this was shown to have no scientific merit, the practice fell out of favor.
However, doctors have used leeches, albeit minimally, in the era of contemporary medicine, as well, to prevent wounds from closing due to blood clotting. Hirudin, a compound found in leech saliva, has been applied to wounds as an antii-coagulant, to prevent wounds from closing and encourages oxygenated blood to flow to them. This prompts tissue to remain alive and heal rather than die.
If The Nunes proves to have any use to society besides being a weirdo conformist political stooge, it will truly be a marvel of modern medicine.
“We’re going to really look into uses for The Nunes, but we don’t have the highest hopes that it will ever be more than a drain on society: such is the leech’s lot in life,”
Also: Whip up a batch of thirst-quenching Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop Kool-Aid.
As Simple as He Looks
Nunes’s seat in the House of Representatives as a voice for California’s 22nd Congressional District is not certain.
“As of January 22, 2018, a total of eight candidates have declared their intention to challenge Nunes for the seat, including six Democrats, one Libertarian, and one member of the American Solidarity Party,” according to Ballotpedia. That seat is “safe Republican,” meaning it will likely remain in the hands of The Party of Satan. However, that doesn’t mean it has to be filled by The Nunes, who gives new meaning to the phrase “soulless Trump suckup.”
Perhaps Nunes’ seemingly reckless and politically-suicidal allegiance to Trump means he isn’t running again, but that might make too much sense.
“It’s more likely that he’s just a total dipshit,” said a Washington insider who spoke to SYRW on condition of anonymity.
Nunes was a part of President Trump’s transition team that aided and abetted the installation of that of merry band of misfits in the seat of executive powerl. This was particularly helpful to them given how inexperienced in government and politics they were (and are) and how their only expertise is in advancing personal agendas.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
