Slip your one hand around some titillating titles–and one under the Trump admin cover-up!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, comicsans.
There was a time when the Republican party and right-wing in general thought of themselves as the party of “family values,” the moral inheritors of zipped-up Puritanism. No more! Watch out–here we come!
Who’s Your Donald?
The first filthy feast for your political G-spot that you must know about, dear Spread Your RIght Wings (SYRW) readers, is Fifty Shades of Complicit by P.D. Ryan. It tells the story of Republican members of Congress in a decaying, rotting republic called The United States of America. They’re too drunk on power and money to stand up to a big, sexy leader named Donald. And he likes it! So, he keeps pushing boundaries–in the judiciary, at the FBI, with the media. Everyone better shape up and get in line as Daddy Don Don cracks the whip.
Two Republican Congressmen, Sen. Bob Corker (R-In.) and Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az.) finally say their safe word–“Madman”–throwing all the polyamorous frisky fun out of whack.
Finally, democracy itself stands, or kneels rather, to succumb to the crack of his whip, as he wields his boss-man strap with ever-increasing force. James Comey, Andrew McCabe–will Rod Rosenstein succumb to his carnal skills next? Will Bobby Mueller? Will anyone stand up to this BDSM Sir out of control? You’ll just have to run out and buy this book to find out.
Related: Don McGahn was a no-show at this Trump fete.
Explore Yourself–But Nothing More
Who said it takes two to do the vertical tango, hm, right-wing readers? It can take just one, as long as you have the right, implements, shall we say. One such device is The Mueller Probe. It’s the not-so-common adult toy that any member of the two rigid gender categories can use to achieve the most common desire–The Big O. But it’s pre-set to stop just before you reach that point. You’ll love exploring every inch of your body and its inner pleasure centers with The Mueller Probe. But don’t get too carried away. You can only go so far before your wild abandon starts to threaten people. And then The Mueller probe will shut you down. You don’t want that–or do you? Use with caution.
Slippery When Wet
If you’re having a little trouble getting intimate with your partner/s because age, nerves, medical conditions, or anything else isn’t allowing your body to perform in the ways you expect it to, there’s simply nothing wrong with asking for a little help from a new type of love emollient, Kelly’s KY Jelly. President Donald Trump asked General John Kelly for some help when he just couldn’t do certain things in office., after all.
Then the strict yet slippery fellow known as Kelly stepped in and made things run a whole lot smoother. And so will the only adult lubricant you’ll ever need in your bedroom, Kelly’s KY Jelly. Sure, your body may be trying to tell you something by not doing what you want, as Trump may have been trying to tell us all something by behaving like a deranged child in office–but pay neither any mind. Kelly–and Kelly’s KY Jelly–are here to grease things up and make them happen, whether anyone wants it or not.
Stalling Isn’t Just How Republicans Like to Pick Up Male Sex Partners
And: Here’s some simple to use interior design to silence annoying liberal gripe-and-moaners.
It can also be a wonderful way to see to it that a bill doesn’t see the light of day in Congress, which is where Tie Me Up In Committee furry handcuffs can come in handy…real handy! With hands tied to the bedposts, you’d be surprised how little most legislators can do. Buy yourself a pair of these ultra-authoritarian–a trend that’s sizzling-hot these days–bad boys, and you’ll be able to seductively stymie any bill to the point that everyone loses interest, and you’ll get what you wanted all along. You want to kill a bill, so, so, very, achingly bad? You won’t need to filibuster or draft an un-clean version of any legislation you don’t like anymore. All you naughty politicians out there, you just need a pair of Tie Me Up In Committee-s, and by the time a poor wittle bill is ready to be voted on, no one will really care about it.
The Stormy Danielz World Leader Lovin’ Kit
Every girl’s dream is to land a world leader in the bedroom. But sometimes it can be hard. So very hard. So the makers of the Stormy Danielz World Leader Lovin’ Kit collected–just for you–the most important items a certain adult film celeb used to bag President Donald Trump, and now you too can have the Putins, Dutertes, even Merkels, of your dreams. In this kit, you’ll find a ready-made Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA), a blank check, and a pen. You just sign the NDA and fill the check out with all the world leader’s info and make him or her for their John Hancocks–oh, naughty us!—with the pen included, of course–and you can both breathe a sigh of relief. Then, breathe in the scent of each other’s animal musk as you rip off each other’s clothes!
You’ll also find a discreet, velvet carrying case with tassel ties to store your Stormy Daniez World Leader Lovin’ Kit in on the go. Whether you’re meeting your powerful lawmaker in a hotel room, an office, or–stop, you’re so bad!–a public place, just pop the Kit in the velvet carrying case (and then pop that into your ladylike purse or manly murse), and you’re ready to meet your global decisionmaker with everything you need to get the sexy show on the international road.
Also: Whip up a batch of Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop Kool-Aid.
We Conservatives Can Canoodle With the Best of Them
Now, we ask you, dear SYRW readers, who was it that said Republicans Just Wanna Have Fun? Oh, right–no one said that. But we do! We’re human, after all–at least we think we are. It’s starting to look less and less like that’s the case. But with these five hot-and-heavy-lovin’ items, there’s nothing stopping us from having a good time. You can thank us later. Right now, just order some of these and say goodbye to your Fear of Flying to the heights of ecstasy!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
