Just because, as a right-winger, you’re dumb as a brick, doesn’t mean your TV has to be!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, kentoh
Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, conservative tech lovers!
I know I’m doing well, but I’m using the term “know” loosely here, as what I really mean is, I have an empty Alt-life filled with guns, hateful religious theology, and an awful insistence that a request for rights of human dignity for people outside my self-styled tribe is “asking for special rights.” Just because it’s delusional, it doesn’t make my belief that I’m happy any less valid, and I’m going to stop talking about it now, because thinking too much or too long or too hard is what makes people the “L” word–Liberal! Oh, silly me! I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Steve Work, and I’m the new Tech columnist at this wonderfully, needlessly Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). I have a background in reading short, superficial Web content on all things tech, which makes me a dubious choice for an expert on this topic. However, the spurious basis for a choice isn’t a dealbreaker for the contemporary right wing of the political spectrum. Just look at who we chose to be our presidential leader!
Today I bring you three fantastic ways to use the nascent technology of Smart TVs to see to it that your political ideology gets even less motivated by quality information, which will then enable you to be an even more insufferably stupid ultra-conservative. For lots more on Smart TVs, see this article by Sapna Maheshwari in The New York Times, one of those publications that’s 100 percent legitimate news but that we rightists only believe when it’s convenient–such as in this case!
Related: We review Deborah Cameron’s Verbal Hygiene.
Snake Oil for the Brain
As with everything the American Late Capitalist project, everything comes back to selling you, my little Alt-charges, stuff you don’t need to keep the addictive, consumerist cycle going. The first step in that multi-pronged and multi-step endeavor is convincing you that horrible emptiness you feel can be ameliorated if you’ll just buy this fill-in-the-blank. Even Liberals would agree that the thrill that comes from standing in long lines in front of cash registers, carrying lots of crap in cheaply-made shopping bags out to your car, and then having plastic tags poke you in the base of your neck are simply divine experiences that no one can be blamed for getting hooked on like a smack addict.
This is why giving your TV access to the inner workings–if what’s going on in your nearly-empty right-wing skull can be called “working”–of your gray matter can take your Alt-political game to heights and depths you can scarcely imagine right now. Enter Smart TV technology. Through retinal-scan technology that monitors the dilation or contraction of your pupils, thereby understanding what really gets your conserva-juices flowing, the Murdoch Dock™, which sits quietly on whatever tacky, plastic surface in your suburban home you choose. can target untrue information, conspiracy theories, and outright lies to you–nay, at you. That way, your consent is most easily manufactured and with the most devastating consequences as well, as Chomsky and Herman put it. Then you’ll be not just a willing participant but a fervent zealot in your own demise, as evidenced by your–indeed, our–constant propping up of President Donald J. Trump despite his total antipathy to everything that’s actually good for as right-wing numskulls.
Not Exactly Mensa
That’s the organization for people with genius-level IQs, so not one you’ll ever need to worry about filling out an application for, SYRW readers. The antiquated. sexist, racist, meaningless metric of IQ is, as people with brains–again, not you–know is based on a test. Now, there’s an IQ test you can’t score low on, taking the right-wing penchant for intellectual confirmation bias to new, super-dangerous heights. The Quizzler™ app for your smartphone. asks you a series of questions whose ostensible goal is to find the perfect TV for you. You tell it what you most look for in a TV physically, how and when you watch TV, what your fave programs are, and then it doesn’t send the information to Cambridge Analytica. No, it doesn’t. It just wants you to do stuff so it can track your behavior and enter it into highly-advanced psychometric algorithms for your benefit, if anything, but mostly just to increase the fun, fun, fun you have while watching TV.
And: Learn how to manage your Alt-fear of African-Americans.
Charter TVs and TV Vouchers
If TV-watchers have worked hard and make the choice to do so, they should be able to send their TVs to whatever TV-school they want! It’s not the rich TV-watchers’ fault if poor people just can’t get it together and have wealth handed down to them by their particular lineage along with their racial-sexual-identity-based-and-gender-identity-based descent. Jeez! Some TV watchers have worked hard for their TVs and deserve, in the form of institutions that use a private-public hybrid model to reward them for the fruits of their skill, merit, and diligence–not at all their privilege, status, and advantage–to be patted on their work-weary backs for this lifetime of toil.
That’s where DeVos Tokens™ come in. They’re just pieces of paper you buy, really–and not even high-quality card stock, but the flimsiest crap there is! They and the process of their purchase are dressed up, gussied up, and f—-d up so that “investing” in them feels like something more than it is. After sinking your savings into them, you use them to buy access to sets of channels on your boob tube, each set of which contains programming featuring its own particular brand and level of right-wing non-information. Call or click today to get some!
Hello, there–stop looking at your TV for one second and let me finish this blog-based soliloquy I’m wrapping up here. I know it can be tough–almost impossible, to tear your eyeballs away from Fox News. And, ironically, this column sought to make it so that when you do so, you can rest Alt-assured that while your small screen was blasting Fox News onto the neural landscape that is the interior of your thick skull the poor-quality information, if it can be called that, from every right-winger’s propaganda delivery media outlet, was seeping into your very DNA in the most efficient manner. So, the time it took you to read this article wasn’t wasted in the sense that it gave you less Fox News screentime. It was wasted, however, in the sense that we’re all idiots o the right wing. Every single damn one of us. And with Smart TVs technology aimed at us specifically, we can take that stupidity to greater heights.
Also:: Why did the Trump supporter support the Trade War? Cuz he’s an idiot!
Until next week, readers, remember: the rightist revolution is being digitized.
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