These homes are in the location, location, location all Alt-righties should want their homes to be!/Image: Licensed Dreamstime Stock, Foster Eubank.
This week, I, Dr, Kayleigh MacEnnaKnee, LCSW address an Alt-readers concerns about where he should buy a home.
Dear Dr. MacEnnaKnee,
I’m so glad I can ask your advice on this issue, because as far as my Alt-right buddies are concerned the answer is simple. I’m not so sure. Let me explain.
I’m in the market for a new home for me, my wife, and our two children, both of whom are elementary school age. My company is moving me from our current city of residence in midland-Texas to the mid-Atlantic seaboard, very close to the coastline. The home that is perfect for us is a beachside one. That’s fine with me–sort of. See, I worry that if climate change isn’t a liberal hoax, within a few years our new home, our biggest asset, could be submerged in seawater, and I’ll lose hundreds of thousands of the almighty dollar, not to mention my family and I will be homeless, and on and on. I can’t ask my pals about this, because, like good conservatives, none of us even entertain the possibility that we could be wrong about climate change being a lie. We base our decisions, not on a rational collection of facts, but on emotion and what our leaders, like good ol’ Donald Trump tell us to believe. So, should I buy this home on the coast or not?
Stumped in San Angelo
Related: Read all about this fabulous new book detailing why climate change is fake.
Dear Stumped,
Nine times out of ten, the answer to an Alt-conundrum about whether or not to buy something is, “Yes, you should buy it.” Consumption is what gives our right-wing lives meaning in Late Capitalism and supports our belief that buying stuff is the number one way to Make America Great Again. So, there’s one reason, yes, you should buy this coastal home.
Second, climate change IS a liberal hoax. It’s just not true! Look at the frigid temperatures the East Coast is dealing with right now. Day-to-day weather is what you need to look at, not millennia-long climatic trends like the ones analyzed by thousands of learned scientists when they realized the Earth is warming due to actions by humans. But don’t take my word for it, read the following garbled, nonsensical tweet by our leader, Donald J. Trump.
In the East, it could be the COLDEST New Year’s Eve on record. Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming that our Country, but not other countries, was going to pay TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS to protect against. Bundle up!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 29, 2017
When someone yells something or types it in ALL CAPS, their argument becomes that much more unassailably cogent. This is especially true when they do it on Twitter, which is known to be an online destination for those interested in advancing carefully constructed, nuanced, long-form arguments. Also, in this tweet, the President wisely began arguing that a cold snap of a couple weeks is proof that climate change isn’t real, to suddenly talking about how the U.S. was going to pay bajillions of dollars to offset the warming (that isn’t happening), unlike other countries, which adds another layer of truth to the argument that we should do nothing to fight fake global warming. No non-sequiturs here! President Trump also wisely ignored the fact that as a percentage of GDP, what the U.S. was set to pay as a part of its signing onto the Paris Accords was on par with that of other countries in that pact.
Sea levels have already begun to rise, alarming the miltiary, which has bases in many coastal cities. As this rising continue, those military bases will be goners, reported the Union of Concerned Scientists.
Here, the Center for Climate and Security reviews the timeline of increasing concern by the military–a generally conservative entity not exactly known for its buying into liberal groupthink–about swelling sea levels.
And you can visit this handy-dandy link to see that while Trump doubts climate change, the Pentagon is under no such delusions.
My advice to you, Stumped, is to buy your new seaside home right this minute! Quick, before the ocean swallows it! Then, on moving day, put what I assume is your giant flat-screen TV in your new beach bungalow first, turn on Fox News, and as you unpack your belongings and arrange your new abode, listen to all the reasons global warming isn’t happening; how maybe it’s happening but humans didn’t cause it; or how it’s happening and humans are causing it, but it’s nothing to worry about. So many valid arguments to choose from in the Real News conservative media!
Like I said, go ahead and buy your new home on the beach. What could go wrong? Nothing, that’s what.. I mean, NOTHING, THAT’S WHAT.
And of course, remember to, “Bundle up!” in a cloak of foolhardy “facts,” simply so you don’t have to admit you’re wrong and you can keep doing what you want to do, like a good right-winger.
And: Why white rice, like white lives, matters, and what you need to do about it.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
