The Conservative Queen herself, Ann Coulter./Image: Licensed Dreamstime stock.
I have a real treat for you today, Spread Your Right Wings readers. It’s a book review of a piece of trash by a piece of trash!
Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel
I’m going to be honest with you, readers: this literary gem is, like all of Coulter’s writing, best summed up with what we here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) call “The Three E’s of Ann”: erudition, elegance, and emesis. Erudition because Ann is clearly so well-versed in literary history and skill, and it manifests itself in her lyrical prose. Elegance, because what else can you call the subtlety of thought and sensitivity of mind on display in this shining example of human-hood in book form. Emesis, because it’s the medical term for the act of vomiting, and it’s what you’ll want to do after reading this book. I did, after all.
Quixotic Quotes
I am so overcome with the grace, skill, and rapier wit of this class-act, I simply can’t do a straight-up review.
Instead, I’ll just go ahead and excerpt some quotes from this beauty of a book, and comment briefly on them.
1, “Despite the overwrought claims of Edwards’s dazzling legal skills, winning jury verdicts in personal injury cases has nothing to do with legal talent and everything to do with getting the right cases–unless “talent” is taken to mean “having absolutely no shame.”
Well, well! If it isn’t the kettle in a sleeveless dress calling the pot black! John Edwards had no shame, you say? Hmm…let;s think about that for a minute. So we guess an example of having shame is a person who utters things such as the following:
“We should invade their countries, overthrow their leaders, and convert them to Christianity” –Ann soon after 9/11.
“John Edwards is a f—-t.” –Ann on., well, John Edwards.
This woman is a person like Milo Yiannopolous, another one of our favorites here at SYRW, who, it seems, sort of believes what she’s saying, but the only reason for her to say in these forums it and say it the way she does, is a truly laudable, not at all childish need for constant attention. She’s willing to say anything just to keep all–or at least as many as possible–eyes on her. And all for the cause of conservatism. What a deeply good person.
2. “No matter what argument you make against evolution, the response is, ‘Well, you know, it’s possible to believe in evolution and believe in God.’ Yes, and it’s possible to believe in Spiderman and believe in God, but that doesn’t prove Spiderman is true.” –Ann on evolution.
If I ever heard a cogent argument against evolution, that’s it. Sorry, Charles Darwin, you’ve been intellectually scooped, by this powerhouse of a mind known as Ann Coulter. But don’t blame yourself–none of us could have predicted the level of American popular discourse would sink so low that we’d be lucky enough to have publishers, talk show hosts, and conservative groups give a person like Ann a platform to speak because, for some inexplicable reason, people are eager to lap up her pandering, ridiculous words.
3. “But Safire argues that viewers of The Passion will see the Jewish mob and think, ‘Who was responsible for this cruel humiliation? What villain deserves to be punished?’ Let’s see. It was a Roman who ordered Christ’s execution, and Roman’s who did all the flaying, taunting, and crucifying. Perhaps Safire is indulging in his own negative stereotyping about Jews by assuming they simply viewed Romans as the help.”
I don’t blame you, SYRW readers, if you had to read that sentence a few times, yet you were still left scratching your noggin, perplexed. What is Ann trying to say, exactly? Let a professor help you understand it’s subtle message. Uh…well, you see…so, the thing is…let’s just say it’s a beautiful mystery and leave it at that, shall we? Even if she doesn’t know what she’s saying, which does seem to be the case, it’s nice, nice, nice that she got in a little anti-semitic dig there.
Ghostwriting for a Goblin
Another point to be aware of is a matter of full disclosure, as we conservatives believe in honesty and ethical behavior above all else. Having heard Ann speak on numerous occasions, it’s clear to me that this book, and all her others, were written by a ghostwriter or two. Not that that takes away at all from their sheer brilliance! I’m sure her skeletal hands had to scrawl down some guiding notes for those doing the work for her, I just like to put all the information out there.
Well, readers, clearly what you want to do right now is run out to your nearest bookstore, buy a copy of this excrement between two hard covers, and hold it up to the sky a la Rafiki and Simba in The Lion King. And we can’t recommend highly enough that you do so. Plus, its pages will make great toilet paper after you’re done reading it!
We won’t keep you from that important task!
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