A host of new dining destinations have popped up in D.C. since Trump took office. Find out where to eat in town in this nightmare new era in politics!/Image Credit: Licensed Adobe stock, jpgon.
How goes it, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? Being a two-faced politician who’ll do pretty much anything for a vote can really work up one’s appetite. Luckily for Republicans in D.C, the arrival of Trump has done them another favor, in addition to making their party a total sham and the laughingstock of U.S. politics. There’s a bunch of new restaurants in town that have sprung up since January 2017, inspired by some of your and our Trump admin faves! Here’s where to eat in Trumpian Washington D.C.
Spice It Up!
Just because he’s no longer a member of the Trump administration, doesn’t mean the restaurant inspired by Sean Spicer that popped up inside the Beltway, Spice It Up!, has to close its doors, right, readers? Especially when the food is so zesty and delicious!
Head Chef says: “We’re hoping our patrons’ taste-buds will burn–just like our namesake got burned by the Trump administration when they dumped him.”
Ambiance: Repressed yet unhinged at the same time.
Clientele: Spicer attended Naval War College in Newport, Rhode Island, and the D.C. crowd you’ll find here is of the military sort, too.
You Have to Try: Spicy Spearmint Sundae. It’s based on the fact that Sean Spicer was said to chew–and swallow!–an entire pack of gum before noon each day. And Spicer’s name.
Related: Get the truth about the right-wing origin of five of the most popular yoga poses.
A Taste of India-Na
Who would have thought Mr. Ken-Doll-but-less-interesting, Indiana native Vice President Mike Pence, is a big fan of Indian food? Nevertheless, he is. A Taste of India-Na’s Head Chef Prakash Hoosier comes up with inspired ways to marry the flavorful fare of India with the traditional American eats of the Midwest–but never a man with a man.
Head Chef says: “Mr. Pence is a very wonderful person. Hence, we were honored and excited to learn of his love of Indian food. We aim to put a little Pence into every pakora, mix some Mike into our Mulligatawny, and fold a touch of chump into our chapati.
Ambience: Very, very gay.
Clientele: Evangelical Christians who love samosas, chutney, and chicken vindaloo.
You Have to Try: Pray-the-Gay-Away-Desert-Tray, which comes with jello, gulab jamun, and a Sanskrit prayer book designed especially for the repentant homosexual.
Goulash and Gab
The first part of the name of this Melania-inspired dining destination is a reference to one of the most popular dishes in the First Lady’s native Slovenia. The second part is ironic, as Mrs. Trump is rarely seen speaking, and chatting is frowned upon here, much as Melania frowns frequently. But that makes the food all that much easier to savor!
Head Chef says: “Pozdravljeni Živjo kako se imate. Dobro havla in vi. Ime me ji od kod ste, sem iz, me meseli. Juto lep dan vam želim. Lahko noč dober tek.”
Ambience: Pretty but dour.
Clientele: Russians in town for….uh, jobs at the Russian embassy….yes, that’s right, for jobs at the Russian Embassy–who are craving a taste of home, as one of the many culinary influences on Slovenia is Slavic.
You Have to Try: Jota, a stew made from sour cabbage and beans, and one of the most popular dishes here, as it pays homage to Melania’s sour facial expression
Trump’s Treats
This inventive diner specializes in orange cuisine. You’ll love sinking your bleached-white teeth into its assortment of tangerine-hued tastiness, and your taste buds will thank you for stopping in.
Head chef says: “Our food is the most fantastic stuff in town. A lot of people are talking about our high ratings among in-the-know foodies.”
Ambience: Tacky nouveau riche.
Clientele: D.C. deplorables, i.e., economically-disadvantaged folks who see out-of-touch billionaires as their prophets and saviors.
You Have to Try: Cheeto and Cheddar Cheese Casserole.
Kellyanne’s on the Korner
This homey yet cutting-edge joint specializes in creepy yet somehow likable dishes. Its inspiration is, after all, none other than Ms. Charming-Yet-Soulless herself, Kellyanne Conway. You’ll be drawn in by the warm, friendly light spilling out from inside, but soon you’ll tire of the inauthentic weirdness of the items on the menu.
Head Chef Says: “Thanks for having me, Anderson. Look, there’s been no collusion with any foreign government, and I don’t know why you won’t talk about all the jobs we’ve added to the economy.”
Ambience: Oddly cheerful.
You Have to Try: the Krabcake on Kracked Wheat.
And: White Rice Matters–and here’s how to make it the centerpiece of a ridiculous right-wing meal!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
